Realization

So tonight while drinking a bottle of wine I realize that I have lived my life in reflection.  I have loved, I have been loved more than I have loved, and most of all I have thrown away meaningful relationships because I have not loved myself.  While watching planes land over the Potomac Bay, sipping a glass of fine wine, with my friends dog (Ranger) by my side...I sit again inside my head.  Reflecting over the past and brooding the future.  My mother tells me I live in my head to much, sometimes disregarding reality and the feeling it may hold.  She's right.

I'm in Washington D.C. again, my newest home.  So much over the past few months has gone by in a blur because I have failed to accept this as life.  I'm being forced (am I really though, I have a choice) to move from Europe back to the United States.  What have I been searching for all these years?  I submit that is has been myself.  Even in the throws of love, I have been hesitant to engage and lose myself as many other have done.  Someone, recently, has told me there is a sliding scale of love.  Every time you fall in love it seems deeper or meaningful than the last.  Each time it counts as love, but each new realization is a deeper level of feeling of acceptance of feelings and.....what.  What is it that draws me in to relationships.

I aptly remember a quote from a James Bond film "James, I truly believe you fall in love with each girl your with."  It goes against every preconceived notion of love you grow up believing, but I think it has been true for me.  Have I been spending all these years trying to accept who I am before fully let someone love me for me?  I mean, its almost gratifying everyone you meet loving you and wanting you in their lives.  For instance I just viewed 6 different homes with room shares; each wanting me to be their tenant and friend.  That should count for something right, but in the end it hasn't.  I do realize that I have lived a life that makes people envious.  I have lived a life trying to fulfill a hard to define hole with experience as opposed to love.  There are times I have truly and deeply given myself to others.  In fact, I think most relationships (romantic and not) I give others what they need and want.  Very few people have realized that it is not all I have to give, and challenged me to give more.

What am I searching for?  One of the sweetest quotes I've heard through my life is "home is not a place but a person."  She loved me, the girl that told me that.  She wanted an everlasting life, and children, by me.  I could not submit.  I can't explain why, but I felt there should be more.  I felt there was something fundamentally wrong; and now I realize that was me.  That I was, and might be still be?, incapable of returning the unconditional love that was felt.  I know love, I know its sweet embrace.  I know how much I would love to fall asleep every night holding someone sweet.  Am I ready?  Does anyone ever truly know?  I console myself that my relationships have been culminating to a qualification of what I do and don't want in a life partner.  Many people think that as a gay phrase, but what else could fully describe someone you will spend the happy and worst times that lay ahead in someone?

So the question always remains who am I, what do I want?  I can't answer that yet, and do I really want to know?  I have done unspeakable things in peace and war.  More unspeakable sacrifices lay ahead if I continue to live the life I have deemed as a dream.  Would I really benefit those around me with that life?  I have distanced my family and friends.  I lay at night jealous of those that have submitted/accepted others in their lives to life long commitments.  For what?  For a feeling of individuality; convincing myself its because I won't concede to what lays before me rather what lies ahead.

This next week is going to be dreadful.  I will start if off flying to a home not to be.  The first place I have truly chosen to reside, and due to whatever powers may be was not.  The first day I will meet with a girl I realized much to late I loved;  I tried to deny that feeling with doubt about age difference and feasibility of a future.  The second I will see my boys, that I brought in to this world with blood, sweat, and tears.  I will pick up my dog; the current love of my life.  I will meet with the girl who I had thought previously broke my heart but now realize it was my actions and feelings that cause that heart break.  I will say good bye, will it be temporary?, to each friend I have made in Germany.  Spending the last few days trying to be a father to a boys whom deserve more of me in their lives.

I am off to start a new life, a new chapter in life.  Will it be one that will be like the last, and the one before it?  Will it be more or less fulfilling, will I learn to give myself up to life?  These are questions that constantly flow through my mind; chipping away at the armor I have "felt" I have had to build to keep myself from being hurt as I have hurt myself in the past.  I mean honestly, can I really claim such a bad life?  I have inspired admiration, jealousy, and respect and most people I've meet.  I can get along with the damn devil.  I have reflected nothing but potential and confidence in each of my leaders.  I have had great friends and lovers.  How can I feel empty?  I'll admit I might be prone to feelings of loneliness that have gotten worse as I have matured.  Jebus!  what a proclamation for me, matured.  I have thought of myself as a self accomplished Peter Pan; never having to fully grow up because I've been functional.  I mean I have a Costco card now, and I honestly thought that should count as something.  The truth is I'm scared.  I'm not scared of anything life has to bring me because I have seen and survived through the worst.  I am scared because I....I am scared of myself.  I am scared I will never fully commit.  Commit to someone or something.  I think I have valid reasoning for this concern.

I have ruined/ended every relationship that could have fulfilled a life long relationship.  Wow!  That was a hard statement to write.  I suppose that every person single at this point can admit the same, but it is a hard realization.  Feeling like you have so much to offer there are times you blame the powers that be for being alone.  The truth is that you have to take responsibility in your actions and status in life.  What do I want?!?

I want to lay my head in someones lap, whilst they stroke my hair, and feel truly safe and happy.  I want to engage in conversation and feel challenged.  I want to have lustful nights.  I want to laugh until I cry.  I want to be constantly surprised.  I want to fall asleep every night with a slight smile on my lips.  I don't care where, but I want a feeling of wonder.

Its funny how much emotion you can pour into a handful of paragraphs.  Things that have taken a life time to realize.  Am I ready though for what I want?  That remains ever the question.